Saturday, June 19, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Waxing Story! So funny!
I love this! It makes me laugh so hard every time I read it! For all you, "Do it your selfers" this is for you!!!!
The Cold Wax Story --One Woman's Tale of Woe
( not for sissies)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,play
with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,
but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK?)
So, I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering the right half of my particulars and stretching down to the inside of
my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
:::Vision returning:::
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
:::Breathe, breathe:::
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
WHERE IS THE FREAKING WAX!!!???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip.
I touch.
I am touching wax.
CRAP!!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So, I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
Particulars?
Sealed shut!
Butt??
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run
the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or... or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now......I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through
various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,
glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I
rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ****ens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. " It works!! IT WORKS!! "
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
( not for sissies)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,play
with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,
but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK?)
So, I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering the right half of my particulars and stretching down to the inside of
my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
:::Vision returning:::
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
:::Breathe, breathe:::
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
WHERE IS THE FREAKING WAX!!!???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip.
I touch.
I am touching wax.
CRAP!!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So, I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
Particulars?
Sealed shut!
Butt??
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run
the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or... or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now......I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through
various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,
glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I
rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ****ens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. " It works!! IT WORKS!! "
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Time. Where have you gone?
I went in for a normal doctors visit. Feeling pretty good at 34 weeks, just normal pregnancy stuff, swollen feet etc. It was also May in Texas and the heat could make anyone swell! The doc took one good look at my ankles, hands, face and blood pressure and decided that they would watch me over night. I knew that I shouldn't have been freaking out, but I did. It was early, not the right time. I wasn't ready. I had a hard time making the phone calls to my family, I'm an open book and anyone can plainly hear and see that I was so scared! So, we got all checked in and comfy. They would check my BP every hour all night. By morning the doctor had decided that I would have P.J in the next 3 days and no I didn't get to go home and wait. By then, family members were on their way. Pre-Eclampsia had me in its grip. Funny side note: Andrew was in charge of making the phone calls. Pre-E being a new term to both of us, he proceeded to tell my grandma that I had pre-chlamydia! Funny now, not funny then! By the end of my 2nd day in the hospital, my kidneys had decided they didn't want to make urine anymore and were obviously not functioning as they should. So, Im swelling more by the min and my BP is rising too. Doctor says, ok time to induce. Panic. Panic. Scared out of my mind! As a first time mom no one can REALLY tell you what to expect. I was changing rooms and gowns and I asked the nurse if I should keep my undies on and she looked at me and said " you can't have a baby with them on!" Duh. Hooked up to pitocin and BP meds had me feeling really drowsy. Few hours go by and the nurse comes by to "check" me. As soon as she was done, I felt a WHOOSH of water. There it went, Niagara Falls. I saw Andrew turn green and started slowly backing into a corner. I told her " I think my water broke" and she says " are you sure?" WHY WOULDN'T I BE SURE? Panic before, MORE panic now. No going back now. The contractions became super strong. I was checked again and was only at 1cm. No one had told me that having a baby for the first time was a long process , so to say the least I was shocked to be only at 1cm. While Im talking to the nurse I see, out of the corner of my eye, that P.J's heartbeat dropped below the line and the machine was beeping at us. She left, Im not sure how long she was gone, but she came back with the doc and said that his heart beat wasn't coming back up where it should be. A c-section was going to be the safest route. Anything to get this baby safely out. Pure fear, panic, anxiety, any words you can fit in here is what I felt. I could not believe that my baby was going to be born in the next 20 mins and 5 weeks early! I managed to stay awake till he was born. June 1, 2006, 7:45 a.m weighing in at 5 pounds 3 oz and 19.5 inches long. He came out with eyes WIDE open and screaming like a wild banshee. I will never forget that day. The cord was wrapped around his neck and he was blue from head to toe. What an amazing, terrifying experience.
He is a happy health 4 year old! He keeps me on my toes and every time I look at his precious face I remember how close we both came to losing our lives. I am so grateful to have him!
I would also like to mention how my husband was a champ through all this!
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